Can Going Without Sex Become A “Bad Habit” After Divorce?
I turned to her, mouth open. “You’ve got to be joking.”
She shook her head. “No… I’m afraid not.”
“But how? Why? Look at you — you’re gorgeous…hot! And so smart– you have everything going for you!”
“I really just haven’t had time.” She crossed her arms and kicked at the ground. “Since I got divorced, I’ve had to go back to school and be a full-time single parent. Trying to pay the bills while doing everything on my own has been one struggle after the next. Suddenly, you wake up and it’s like, wow… three years have gone by.”
As gently and tactfully as possible, I began asking her questions: Were there religious beliefs influencing her decision? Was she worried about friends or family finding out; being judged or branded a wild divorcee? Was she frightened of intimacy? Was she abused during her marriage?
But she stood there shaking her head. “Believe me, it has nothing to do with not wanting sex. I’ve just had so much on my plate that “going without” has become a bad habit.
“But one positive thing has come of it,” she added, and I looked at her intently. “I gave myself my first orgasm. It took almost 35 years and the help of a vibrator, but at least I know I can have one!”
Later on that evening, after tucking my kids in bed, I found myself wondering, CAN going without sex, in fact, become a bad habit? How many women (and men) put taking care of their kids and organizing their new lives so far ahead of physical intimacy that they find themselves in a serious rut?
My soccer mom friend had expressed how pent-up she felt – moody, edgy – especially around ovulation time. She’d also expressed that her self-esteem had plummeted; she questioned if she was even desirable to men. To me, that seemed a crime – she was a lively, hardworking, beautiful woman in her prime. Could it be that abstaining from sex might be harder on a person’s over all well-being than we think? Is it better to have sex just for sex than to “go without” for three years?
We all hear about STDS, unwanted pregnancies, commitment issues, selfish lovers and all the other scary reasons why we should wait for the next serious relationship. But what about the times that sex without love is good – or even fantastic? The times when you walk around the next day feeling a bit tender and achy down below but can’t stop smirking? The times you feel like you’re walking on air, like your cells are vibrating so fast and bright that surely everyone must know you had great sex the night before?
So I’m putting it out to you. Do you think “going without” CAN become a bad habit with unhealthy consequences, or is it worth it? According to your rules and your circumstances, how long could/should you go without?
- Three Couples Dealing With Sexless Marriages
- Screw Him! He Didn’t Want to Get Serious Because I Have Three Kids
- Two Years Post-Divorce: Am I Forsaking Love to “Prove” Something?