Qualities to Look For in a REAL Dominant
Many women are actively seeking a Dominant in their private lives as a result of having read Fifty Shades of Grey or The Secret Sex Life of a Single Mom. But ladies, beware: any man can sport black leather and a flogger and call himself a Dom. You need to know how to distinguish the fakes from the real deal.
Tips from an Experienced Submissive
Meet Joanne. She’s a 45-year-old divorced mother who has been active in the D/s lifestyle for more than a decade.
By day, Joanne is a high-level corporate executive and overseas a large team of predominantly male professionals. She is very attractive, confident and extremely articulate and well-posed.
In her private life, however, Joanne is a submissive. She willingly yields to and serves her Master, not just her body, but mind, heart and soul.
These are the some of the qualities and characteristics of an authentic Dom, according to her:
Joanne says Dominants are drawn to a D/s relationship for the intense mental exchange and connection it provides. To Doms – and subs — the brain is truly the biggest sex organ of all. This is why most real Doms are above average or extremely high in intelligence. Oftentimes they are at, or nearing, the top of their game in their careers, too.
They Value Beauty
Art, literature, theatre, music – Joanne says real Dominants not only appreciate beauty, they have a tendency to observe and notice what the average man would not. They might suddenly praise an understated detail in decor, for example, like a vase on a shelf; or have a genuine appreciation for the artistry of figure skating. Joanne says, “In turn, they are naturally able to notice, and appreciate, the many shades and nuances of a woman, mind, body and soul.”
Obsessive Compulsive — or Almost
Joanne says that in all of her experiences with Dominants, they were either ADD, ADHT or obsessive compulsive to some degree or another. “We aren’t talking off the charts,” laughs Joanne. “But their brains are definitely highly active and stimulated.” And when a woman become the focus of that mental activity, “it’s absolutely electric.”
Fit in Body, too
Joanne says most real Doms take care of their bodies and are good shape. She says this speaks to the sexual scenes that arise in a D/s relationship: Bottom line, they require both parties to be in good shape. “Sometimes a scene can go on for hours,” says Joanne. “It takes more than mental and emotional endurance to move through it, it demands a strong body.”
Great Listening Skills
In a true D/s relationship, the submissive’s thoughts, feelings, and desires are the Dom’s primary concern and attention – not just around sex, but in terms of her overall happiness in life. Joanne says a Dominant should listen, contemplate, encourage her to dig deeper and will attempt to hear not just what she says, but what she doesn’t say. “If you meet a Dom for coffee who is mouthy, rude, judgmental, and focused on talking about sex, I’d say run for the hills. He’s either a control freak or in it just for himself and the kinky sex.”
If this is a man you’re going to surrender and entrust with your body, mind and soul, you need to know he has excellent self-control. Joanne says, “When you become his submissive you are vulnerable to him in every way. The physical vulnerability (and risk) is obvious, but so is your heart. You are sharing your deepest thoughts and desires and allowing him explore and expand your limits. He MUST be able to control himself and not put his needs above yours.”
Joanne says creativity runs high in the mind and hearts of real Dominants. It’s one of the greatest pleasures for the submissive as she never really knows what to expect – in the bedroom or out – which leaves her feeling “on the alert” and full anticipation for what may/may not happen.
Though some Dominants come into D/s in their twenties, Joanne says it tends to happen more often in their late thirties, forties and fifities. “Younger men may notice they have Dominant tendencies, but not really understand or hone their Dominant ‘skills’.” In other words, with age comes experience – not to mention self-awareness and acceptance.
Strong but Quiet Confidence
“Note that there’s difference between bravado and confidence,” says Joanne. Real Doms know who they are and exude a strength and confidence without being cocky or braggarts. She says that if they feel a need to tell you how confident they are, you should raise a doubtful brow.
If a self-proclaimed Dominant is pushing you to get sexual early on in your relationship, you should treat that as a red flag. True Dominants know that it takes TRUST – which requires time to build – as well as respect, honesty and great communication in order for a D/s relationship to gracefully and safely unfold.
Also remember that just like vanilla relationships, you need to assess whether you share interests (beyond D/s) and that you genuinely like each other. “This is why I used the 100 Day Rule when I looked for my Dom,” says Joanne. “Nothing sexual happened between us for three months. This enabled me to ensure he was the Dominant he claimed to be.”
Last but not least, a warning from Joanne: If you do decide to meet a Dom from online in person, make sure you meet in public, do not give him your personal information right away, and make sure your clothes stay on. Otherwise, “you might end up in the hospital, beat up and sexually abused.”
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